Journal Entry: Sun Oct 19, 2014, 12:06 AM
no i need to explain this in detail.
guys i really liked animating, I thought it was the most enjoyable part of my long and stressful teenhood. I loved Hatena and I loved making AMVs and I loved my characters and storylines and I loved watching everyone elses' flipnotes.
Now it's not the same anymore. It's empty.
Sudomemo isn't Hatena. The system is messy, the community is hostile and judgemental, it's a cesspool really. Nothing can really be done about it though, nor is anyone really to blame right now. It's a lost community who had the promise made to them broken and left them clawing for some kind of closure. Sad.
I feel like I'm not me anymore, not the Hail who loved animating for the sake of animating. I've become too conscientious about fan count, the amount of comments or favorites I get, whether or not anyone spends time to critique a piece I made. I'm obsessing over the fame I've accumulated and now it's all about holding their attention rather than doing things for fun, out of paranoia that everyone will lose interest and turn their backs on me.
My skills as an animator have all but gone. The execution of my flips today feel awkward, cheesy, unoriginal, nothing really stands out and no inspiration comes to me anymore (I know I preach a lot about how nothing should be considered cliche and automatically bad, but what I mean is that those standards shouldnt be left up to viewers, it should be the creator themselves who should set the bar for themself.).
I'm haunted by thoughts of not being good enough to the hostile parts of Sudomemo, or the fact that I've faded into obscurity and am no longer one of the remnants of Hatena that people still remember. People remember Fleesveon, people remember Eminentlie and the rest of those high-ranks. But Hailfire is irrelevant. I found this out when even posting some old T.E. flipnotes failed to bring back many people. I only aquired 80 fans on Sudomemo when I remembered having over 5000 on Hatena. That's when I started to think that everyone forgot or had no more interest.
But the fact that those numbers bother me only really lend to the fact that I'm not who I used to be. I've complained about comment numbers before, and was chewed out by friends for 'seeking attention', so I know that was wrong of me to ask in my position.
Now don't mistake my unrest about my flipnote quality with me being unsatisfied with my characters, because that's not it. Making the characters I have now my new spotlight was my idea, because I wanted to branch out from fan characters, and I even think I should have done that from the beginning anyway. By flipnote quality I mean the effects I use, the movements I use, how good the transitions are and how well it all looks together. And it all feels pretty mediocre. Either that or I'm just too nostalgic about the old T.E. flipnotes.
I can't summon up the imagination to make a quality flipnote anymore. The idea of making a dynamique AMV comes off as more 'ugh' than 'cool.' Like it's too much work to even consider now. The well has run dry. Animating is now a chore that I must undertake to keep my fanbase alive. If I don't cater to the fanbase, they'll desert me and forget about me. I have to keep animating for them, even if it feels like I'm siphoning out fumes at this point.
And rarely ever introduce anything new. They aren't interested in anything new. They won't comment or look at things that aren't familiar. It's not interesting. Don't change, don't dp anything new.
And that's wrong. In the end I have the most priority when it comes to whether or not I should continue animating. Fame is fleeting, but fun shouldn't be. I don't want what was once my favorite hobby be demoted to only a pandering tool. If my fanbase is really so weak that it leaves at the mention of change, then let them leave. I am the main decider in what I draw and what I produce. I want to be dedicated to my work, not be slaving away to it in desperation of losing my crowd.
So I'm done animating. For now. I want to only animate when I really want to, and even then that will be a fleeting chance. I'm taking a long break from animating to remember why I got into this hobby in the first place, and keeping a distance from the toxic dump that is the Sudomemo community so I can stay clear of any negativity or sour thoughts.
One person on that site in particular (who I will not name publicly) had gotten me very agitated. They were apparently there mostly to instigate arguments with other people with rather jerkish-sounding rants, and to my annoyance they had made it to hot flips before I even got close and had many people in agreement with them. (So either they are right and I'm just pansy and overly sensitive with other people's feelings or that was a festering section of Sudomemo's hostile side. Either way I disagree with them a lot)
Wrapping up, expect less flipnotes from me from now on, until I find that spark for animating again.
About Twilight Window, I have essentially given up trying to push it to being an animated series. It's better to be honest, since Sudomemo isn't exactly expected to stick around for much longer (i'm expecting the closing date announcement to come within the next few months) and I don't wanna stress over finding alternate methods of recording alongside the fact that animating these days feels like trying to drag a large dog into a bathtub) but that doesn't mean I've given up on it. I'm thinking about turning it into a comic series like THU sometime in the future. Sorry to the voice actors who won't be able to voice the character they auditioned for.
As for the Halloween flipnote I mentioned soon, I have sort of started it but felt pressured. I won't rush or force myself to make it, so don't be getting your hopes up for it coming on time or at all. If I do get it out, it's the last AMV for awhile.
And one last thing. I think everyone should start considering cleaning up their followers list. Specifically me.
Really think about this too. I'm hardly the same Hailfire that had 5000 Hatenian fans. if I truly don't interest you anymore, or nothing I produce is something you like, and you are only following to be nice or some other reason, unfollow now. Don't be nice. Be honest. I won't go looking for who unfollowed me.
I know I had friends in the past who liked me for what I produced but now hold a rocky relationship with me, perhaps even dislike me now. It's best to unfollow me if I'm no longer what you want to see, or if I'm no longer relevant to you.
So yeah. I'll still be drawing here, doing my thing. Whatever that is.
TL;DR: Long soul-searching break from animating, unfollow if not satisfied, Twilight Window in planning to be a comic at some point some time.